Tuesday 7 January 2014

i don't know if this makes sense but

I was just catching up with Rookie a few days ago (YES YES YES LORDEEE IKR) and stumbled upon the Editor's Letter and the month's theme, Vision. I was obsessed with the last month's theme, Forever, I could totally relate to it. I'm basically a scrapbooking gran who wants to keep everything, every feeling that could ever exist in a moment. The feeling that this moment would never end. The shades of his dark eyes--more like how a wet ground looked after the rain instead of Voldemort-dark. The place that smelled like home. I would stick it all on a page of The Book of My Life and leave it for the Future Me to bawl all over. I love nostalgia, as if I hadn't said it enough.

Anyway, yes, vision. Compared to the sound of 'forever', 'vision' sounds adulty and normal. It's sounds like a word a middle-aged man in suit and tie uses a lot to convince his clients to put their money in his project. And I had to read the article a couple of times to really understand it (I have the lack of ability to translate written words into something that MEANS SOMETHING in my brain, the point of the whole thing that rings the bell in your head and then life makes sense). Basically Vision is about knowing what you want and work to accomplish those things. What a theme for January, we're all growing up and it sounds adulty alright.

Fifteen years old seems like a very late age for teen angst and a rebellion phase, but I don't feel like growing up. I don't want to have responsibilities or do my homeworks. When my mum reminds me of school that would happen the next day, I made some sort of a weird noise and muffled crying. I'm naturally good at school and my grades are somewhat above average but I want to stop caring about it. I have the constant urge of yelling at people to stop telling me what to do because I'm trying to figure it out by myself, but at the same time I am so fucking clueless and I don't know shit about the world and who I am. Living wears me out.

Thinking about the FUTURE makes me feel sick. It's something so near and unknown, like one of those movies where a gang of people are locked inside a house in the middle of the storm together and they get killed one by one, nothing scares me more than that.

Vision means I would have to make my goals. I have goals, lots of them. To be a writer, or a journalist, or travel the world are one of them. But I can feel myself failing slowly at each and every one of my goals because I'm just not good enough. When I go online and read other's work, instead of feeling inspired I get intimidated because of their skills, the colors that blend perfectly in their canvas, or the words delicately crafted they would either hit me hard or linger in my head for a very long time because I don't get it but I just know they are beautiful.

I just want to savor the moment and live a life filled with teenage recklessness. I want to do things based on my gut feelings only and not think of the things I would have to do tomorrow. I want to feel invincible and big, so big that the future would not scare me anymore.

Oh, who am I kidding.

But in the meantime, my new big motivation:

listen Harry Potter didn’t know what the fuck he was doing throughout the entire series and he still did all that shit so if he can do great things by without really knowing what he’s doing so can you

8 comments:

  1. You write so beautifully! I know what you mean about how it is disheartening to read others' work online then look at your own and think it's crap. I do that ALL THE TIME but you know what? I enjoy writing and ideally I would like to make a career out of it and, if not, I'll probably find time to continue to write anyway. This Ira Glass quote (sorry, it's a little lengthy) helps me through when I feel like my work is crap compared to others': “Nobody tells this to people who are beginners, I wish someone told me. All of us who do creative work, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is this gap. For the first couple years you make stuff, it’s just not that good. It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not. But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is why your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase, they quit. Most people I know who do interesting, creative work went through years of this. We know our work doesn’t have this special thing that we want it to have. We all go through this. And if you are just starting out or you are still in this phase, you gotta know its normal and the most important thing you can do is do a lot of work. Put yourself on a deadline so that every week you will finish one story. It is only by going through a volume of work that you will close that gap, and your work will be as good as your ambitions. And I took longer to figure out how to do this than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s gonna take awhile. It’s normal to take awhile. You’ve just gotta fight your way through.”

    http://prettypassionsfinefashions.blogspot.co.uk

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    1. Yesss, a new big motivation! You have no idea how uplifting this is for me. Thanks, Sophie ♡♡

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  2. I know exactly how you feel, and you articulated the feeling so well. I'm very glad you've started blogging again, this is one of my favorite blogs.
    (I mean, a "Catzz appreciation" post? yess).

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    1. Aww yis thank you cassie. I'm also glad you're back on business!

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  3. i love this post, i feel you man

    http://perpetual-perplexities.blogspot.com/

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  4. I think that was their best theme yet! I really loved that post, I also get intimidated by other people things I read on internet, this post was soo motivating <3

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    1. Honestly there's just too many great rookie themes and i can't decide which of them are the best x) thank you, i'm glad you feel motivated!

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