I was just catching up with Rookie a few days ago (YES YES YES LORDEEE IKR) and stumbled upon the Editor's Letter and the month's theme, Vision. I was obsessed with the last month's theme, Forever, I could totally relate to it. I'm basically a scrapbooking gran who wants to keep everything, every feeling that could ever exist in a moment. The feeling that this moment would never end. The shades of his dark eyes--more like how a wet ground looked after the rain instead of Voldemort-dark. The place that smelled like home. I would stick it all on a page of The Book of My Life and leave it for the Future Me to bawl all over. I love nostalgia, as if I hadn't said it enough.
Anyway, yes, vision. Compared to the sound of 'forever', 'vision' sounds adulty and normal. It's sounds like a word a middle-aged man in suit and tie uses a lot to convince his clients to put their money in his project. And I had to read the article a couple of times to really understand it (I have the lack of ability to translate written words into something that MEANS SOMETHING in my brain, the point of the whole thing that rings the bell in your head and then life makes sense). Basically Vision is about knowing what you want and work to accomplish those things. What a theme for January, we're all growing up and it sounds adulty alright.
Fifteen years old seems like a very late age for teen angst and a rebellion phase, but I don't feel like growing up. I don't want to have responsibilities or do my homeworks. When my mum reminds me of school that would happen the next day, I made some sort of a weird noise and muffled crying. I'm naturally good at school and my grades are somewhat above average but I want to stop caring about it. I have the constant urge of yelling at people to stop telling me what to do because I'm trying to figure it out by myself, but at the same time I am so fucking clueless and I don't know shit about the world and who I am. Living wears me out.
Thinking about the FUTURE makes me feel sick. It's something so near and unknown, like one of those movies where a gang of people are locked inside a house in the middle of the storm together and they get killed one by one, nothing scares me more than that.
Vision means I would have to make my goals. I have goals, lots of them. To be a writer, or a journalist, or travel the world are one of them. But I can feel myself failing slowly at each and every one of my goals because I'm just not good enough. When I go online and read other's work, instead of feeling inspired I get intimidated because of their skills, the colors that blend perfectly in their canvas, or the words delicately crafted they would either hit me hard or linger in my head for a very long time because I don't get it but I just know they are beautiful.
I just want to savor the moment and live a life filled with teenage recklessness. I want to do things based on my gut feelings only and not think of the things I would have to do tomorrow. I want to feel invincible and big, so big that the future would not scare me anymore.
Oh, who am I kidding.
But in the meantime, my new big motivation:
listen Harry Potter didn’t know what the fuck he was doing throughout the entire series and he still did all that shit so if he can do great things by without really knowing what he’s doing so can you