Really not in the mood of studying. And have I ever been in that mood after all?

Anyway this morning I joined a group of kids--mostly from my class but there are some others--who were studying Science for the test and The Guy was among them. I invited myself and started studying and pretending not to see him. I started doing random things like staring at the distance or snatching problem sheets from my friends to distract myself. He looked at me and shouted "Ah, are you new here?"

Which is weird because it's been more than a month since I wear them and he sees me with it everyday because his class is beside mine. Or is it because my attitude? I'm always that quiet one who never speak because when I do all hell breaks loose. I'm very awkward and anxious, also people tend to ignore me when I call them (can't tell if they do it on purpose or I have that special talent where everyone couldn't hear me when I try to talk to them). It sucks to be me.

Ugh anyway I remember my first glasses (it was something like this. I wear them when I was 7th grade and lost it a year after it HAHA) and  that very same guy walked past me and called me a new girl. Even after two years I still blush and act awkward when I heard him. I still feel the same way about him.

I don't know how to act anymore, I don't know who I am. And he was so laid back and smart at the same time I couldn't calm down. I felt embarassed like who am I to feel this way towards him? He's too perfect, he's everyone's best friend, and people would literally laugh at me because I can't just 'be friends' with funny guys. I'd instantly develop a creepy crush on them and that's how lame I am. I feel really stupid and I guess I understand Ginny's feeling when Josh is around.

One big difference is this guy doesn't even like me. I barely can talk to him, let alone make a move. And he likes someone else. This girl that seems really nice and pretty and likes him too. Once they broke up, and probably they got back together. It hurts to see him laughing with her on lunch break, but I stared at him anyway. While I have my 'friends', whom I don't feel comfortable sharing this knowledge with, but the worst feeling in the world is when people around you act normal and talk to you as if you're fine too, but deep inside you know you're not.

To him, I'm just another person. And guess what; there are seven fucking billions of them in the world.

.

I think there is no such thing as 'being yourself'. Even those self-proclaimed mature responsible adults don't know themselves THAT well. Because people change. And life is about exploring who you are. You could listen to any music, wear any clothes, hang out, or stay home as much or less as you want. As long as you feel comfortable and you know your limits,  it's totally fine. Because you don't want to waste your time hanging out in a strange bar with people you don't even like when you could do something you want to do, like watching cat videos or making collage.

And then, think before you act. I know it's impossible. No one in this world actually think before doing stuffs, they just do. And I am that person who gives advice that I can't do. But sometimes you really should stop and think about how the next think you'll do would impact your future.

And we mess up. I do it all the time, probably too much for an average person rate of fucking things up. But basically it's what human lives for. We fall, we get back up. We lose our leaves, we grow another.

(I don't know what's gotten into me writing such a blog post! I could be really melancholic and thoughtful and boring sometimes but never that deep. Anywaaayy tomorrow is Easter Day = extra school-less day = sleeping in = my heart bursting out with happiness)

Hi there.

Well hi. This is my first post in this blog (duh). I'm in a really high pressure of national examinations right now (Indonesia's education system sucks anyone agree with me?) and since my brain has a very limited space I decide to make... well, this. I found out journals--even though I have a cute one with a cat silhouette in the cover--doesn't work because I want people to read my stuffs. But not people I know in real life. I tend to be self conscious when people I know read my stuffs, so just pretend you never read this, real-life-people.