Sunday, 19 January 2014

one of those mundane people who is excited about life.

it's supposed to be The Crane Wife 3 sorry

I've gotten lots of positive, inspiring vibez this week. But it feels weird to stand in this position after a few months wrapped up in sudden bursts of emotions coming out of nowhere. Sometimes it feels like being alone in my room and someone suddenly turned the light off. I wanted to get up and switch it back on, but at the same time I don't care about the lights, living in the dark sounds plausible anyway. All that was left to do was grab a blanket and curl up in fetal position.

If past-me had read this post two months ago, she would only sulk and rolled her eyes at 'mundane people who gets excited on Life' (copied straight from my journal). Which pretty much explains all.

Yes anywaay, things that radiates much nice vibes this week:

1. I printed Arabelle's Survival zine (see the last three pic above) in a print shop after school. It's very precious and I almost cried reading it. Staying alive seems like a piece of cake for most people, but on some people it might be a milestone. And using your power not only for lifting yourself, but also other people who's going through the same thing is amazing (Arabelle also has a Survival tag for her tumblr posts, and I would totally recommend it if you're feeling down, or just looking for nice things).

2. I have a guy friend a.k.a. a  slightly antisocial platonic friend with XY chromosomes. I think it's safe to say so since we've already been chatting all day via Line and he's giving me life advices. He was my friend's friend and he's in the same major with me, Social (all my friends are from the Science major hahaa suxx). I totally resonate with him, as I was complaining about my friends ignoring me and he said that he went through the same thing. No one wants to sit with him in class, even the dudes. I've always thought that guys are more socially chill than girls, they always seem to get along easily. Wisdom words of the eternity: "Just chill. When they found out who you really are, they would notice. Show them that you're not what they think you are." Boys are like aliens to me, as I don't have many close male siblings / cousin, and I'm totally shy around them. Sometimes I'm too busy being my observant self, trying to figure out how they work, and the other times I'm already infuatuated once they act nice towards me. How very embarassing. So yes, I'm very proud of this achievement YAY ME.

3. It's raining all the time in Jakarta. Which could be a yay or a nay, depending on where you live, because my city is prone to floods. I spent the weekend watching the local news, and it was horrible. Although the flood last year was bigger and the main road was drowned, I think this one lasted a little longer. I live in a rather high part in the middle of the city so all is well, but a market road area near me drowned . NO there is nothing positive nor inspiring about the flood, but the thing is, I've always loved rain, I love walking home from school and feeling raindrops drizzling all over my hair and clothes. I love being cold, I complain a lot about living in a tropical country. I love having to wear jackets and sweater without sweating or dying of heatstroke. The sound of water clinking against the tiles on the roof sounds like a serenade to me. And because of the flood, this week I've only had three days of school. These things make me happy, but it's hard loving the weather without sounding like an asshole u feel me

4. I've (illegally) (oops) downloaded a random bunch of songs and album that I can think of, and compiled a nice playlist of songs that make me feel things. Have you ever want to cry bC MUSIC IS SO POWERFUL IT AFFECTS YOUR FEELINGS DEEPLY AND HOW A CERTAIN SONG COULD KICK YOU OUT OF BED AND FACE THE DAY BC MUSIC??? My heart still has plenty of spaces to love more music, so tell me some stuffs you would want me to cry over. See above for my most played, also Pure Heroine is perfection. Now I see my life as scenes from a coming-of-age movie with Lorde's songs as the soundtracks. All hail Lorde. Hallelujah.

5. All things end. High school, my negativity/depression/sadness/whatever it is isn't going to last forever. This moment of revelation kicked my face out of the sudden one day. I think it's always been there but I've always waved it off. I always try to appreciate things, but I end up getting too attached or taking it like it's going to be that way forever. That is why our lives as a teenager are sad, beautiful, tragic, wonderful, and other things rolled into one breathtaking rollercoaster ride. Those feelings had been there, and would always be there in our lives, but as teenagers sees everything like they are set in stone, the feels are way more intense. Dismissing all of the feelings and drift away into the void of non existentialism would totally not help, although taking it that way is easier than standing up and facing life. My best friend Vira used to wear a yin-yang necklace around her neck until the string broke and she gave up on fixing it, and it's now hanging in front of a mirror in her room. The perfect balance between gripping tight and freefalling is impossible to reach, but I will try. Or I probably experienced the epiphany out of milk tea drunkeness (if that's even a thing), and when I wake up I would get a hangover and forget the whole thing. We are young, right?

(Wait I've just figured out December's Rookie theme now???? I mean yeah the theme had hit home and I really loved it, but I don't really understand what it is until now. That was hella deep, seriously, props for the queening Rookie staffs for such wonderful theme.)

6. Regarding point #5, I decided I want to see more of this world beyond the jaded city I've lived in my whole life minus three years. I would like to join an exchange program. I'm going to continue this point in the next post because it's getting too long guys sorry I didn't mean to pull a Reichenbach.

(is that a thing? i'm going to dedicate my whole life to make it a thing until Rachel McAdams flies across the world to see me and tell me to stop trying to make Reichenbach happen.)

Anyhoo if you identify as a part of the crazy Sherlock fandom, you might like this crackfic, Flowers in a Box. It's been there since the very first Sherlock hiatus, and it may start like a bad fic with excessive crack, but it all makes sense in the end. Yes, it will troll you mad, and you will also laugh about this thing for ten hours. There's some tiny references to Doctor Who, Supernatural, and Hitchhiker's Guide to Galaxy. Dun dun dun. Seems like took it down, probably out of too much negative feedback (why though it's a genius piece of work can't you uncultured swines understand jokes), but you could still read it from a post on Interplosion, where a guy is doing Fan Fiction Fuckpile which is basically adding your comments along the way while you're reading a 'bad' fanfiction. The commentary is another form of entertainment, and it's somewhat funnier than the actual fanfiction.

Talking about Sherlock, I need to finish that series 3 review. I have a lot of thoughts on that matter, which makes it harder--as they say, my thoughts are avocados I can't fathom into guacamole. I really should stop reading fics and read actual books instead. Maybe you could be a sweetie drop a few recommendations, I have a lot to work on! It's going to be hard, judging from the state of my wallet.

Tomorrow is school again, and this is weird but I'm feeling excited for all the possibilities that could happen. They are endless. I kind of hope tomorrow sch0ol would be cancelled again, though. deep facepalm okay time to sleep 

Sunday, 12 January 2014

Cut them up and place them where they would look pretty.

I made a thing.

It was meant to be my first mini-zine. I made the pages like how they did it on Rookie, but I couldn't decide the contents. So I just went with my feelings and did a collage, piecing things up so they would look cool. Though I don't think each pages share the same theme or anything, it's just a weird cool thing and i like it. So it's not technically a mini zine.

The thing about collaging is you might not have an idea what the whole thing would be like, you just create it and it sort of happens.

I plan to make more of these collage booklet thingys, and possibly upgrade it to an actual zine that says something. I'm in dire need of some procrastination outlet, sooo anyone wants to swap? These aren't really neat, but I promise I'll make them better.

it's sunday again.

I thought it would be miserable and awful, but turned out I've survived the slightly hellish first five days of school after Christmas break. And I think that's awesome. Many people could just float through those days effortlessly and act normal, just be normal. But I couldn't--even thinking about it made me want to cry. School is always me being unable to connect with my classmates and drowning in a pool of anxiety. Getting through the week took me a lot of effort and self-kicking, but at least I did it, and sometimes we forget to celebrate these small achievements. Therefore I congratulate myself. And you too, if you're a pretty snowflake like me! (Naww I'm sure everyone here is nice and rad ass so all of u congratz)

On Friday I got a disney princess towel for the school christmas swap and I legit cried about it because it's my first christmassy gift I've ever gotten and I got a fucking towel with Ariel and the gang's face printed on it. I don't know whether to laugh or cry about this.

On the same day I hung out with my bestest friend at her place. We had caramel tea and talk about stuffs, just like ye olde days. I showed her pictures from my phone and we fangirled on Benedict Cumberbatch and made fun of my towel. I'm dying to spoil some series 3 to her, which is weird because she, out of all people, hasn't seen the third series. She's literally the Sherlock to my John, slightly antisocial, fluffy hair, and she thinks differently than other people, often not caring what they think. While I'm the one who tells her off and blog about things. Did someone say cosplay????

It's been 2 months since I've last seen her--not really a long time, but seemed like it. These days only Sherlock episodes, blogging, and her existence could make me excited about life and if that doesn't describe my life, I don't know what will.

On another note, I went through my gran's friend ancient trunk and found this beautiful vintage dress! It felt like unearthing a treasure. My good ol gran told me I could keep it. This basically screams first outfit post!

The shoes are from Bata (hello if any of u fellow Indonesians are reading this post), the bracelets were my mother's, and my mother bought me the tights, but pretty sure you could buy them anywhere.

I'm still figuring out the occasions to wear these tho, they are too pretty and I don't really like people pointing out the fact that I am wearing a dress. Or rather pointing the fact that I dress more like a girl, whatever that means. Dresses are not something people wear everyday. oH GOD WHY DOES THIS SOUNDS SO NEGATIVE ALL OF THE SUDDEN I'M REALLY SORRY I SHOULDN'T MAKE YALL FEEL BAD TOO OR SOMETHING UGH

Also, I changed my blog title and everything! I don't really like my old title, and the header and background's getting old. Awkward by Nature was something I came out randomly and thought it would be temporary. I've always liked the name Pandora, a lot of characters from my forever cliffhanger fictions are named after it. Though my life, blog, or the characters has nothing to do with the legend of Pandora's box, yet. Pandora means all-gifted or all-giving. 

this post motivational-ish thingy

Last episode of Sherlock tonight--which I would watch tomorrow. I hope I would survive this. I better write a note, just in case.

Tuesday, 7 January 2014

i don't know if this makes sense but

I was just catching up with Rookie a few days ago (YES YES YES LORDEEE IKR) and stumbled upon the Editor's Letter and the month's theme, Vision. I was obsessed with the last month's theme, Forever, I could totally relate to it. I'm basically a scrapbooking gran who wants to keep everything, every feeling that could ever exist in a moment. The feeling that this moment would never end. The shades of his dark eyes--more like how a wet ground looked after the rain instead of Voldemort-dark. The place that smelled like home. I would stick it all on a page of The Book of My Life and leave it for the Future Me to bawl all over. I love nostalgia, as if I hadn't said it enough.

Anyway, yes, vision. Compared to the sound of 'forever', 'vision' sounds adulty and normal. It's sounds like a word a middle-aged man in suit and tie uses a lot to convince his clients to put their money in his project. And I had to read the article a couple of times to really understand it (I have the lack of ability to translate written words into something that MEANS SOMETHING in my brain, the point of the whole thing that rings the bell in your head and then life makes sense). Basically Vision is about knowing what you want and work to accomplish those things. What a theme for January, we're all growing up and it sounds adulty alright.

Fifteen years old seems like a very late age for teen angst and a rebellion phase, but I don't feel like growing up. I don't want to have responsibilities or do my homeworks. When my mum reminds me of school that would happen the next day, I made some sort of a weird noise and muffled crying. I'm naturally good at school and my grades are somewhat above average but I want to stop caring about it. I have the constant urge of yelling at people to stop telling me what to do because I'm trying to figure it out by myself, but at the same time I am so fucking clueless and I don't know shit about the world and who I am. Living wears me out.

Thinking about the FUTURE makes me feel sick. It's something so near and unknown, like one of those movies where a gang of people are locked inside a house in the middle of the storm together and they get killed one by one, nothing scares me more than that.

Vision means I would have to make my goals. I have goals, lots of them. To be a writer, or a journalist, or travel the world are one of them. But I can feel myself failing slowly at each and every one of my goals because I'm just not good enough. When I go online and read other's work, instead of feeling inspired I get intimidated because of their skills, the colors that blend perfectly in their canvas, or the words delicately crafted they would either hit me hard or linger in my head for a very long time because I don't get it but I just know they are beautiful.

I just want to savor the moment and live a life filled with teenage recklessness. I want to do things based on my gut feelings only and not think of the things I would have to do tomorrow. I want to feel invincible and big, so big that the future would not scare me anymore.

Oh, who am I kidding.

But in the meantime, my new big motivation:

listen Harry Potter didn’t know what the fuck he was doing throughout the entire series and he still did all that shit so if he can do great things by without really knowing what he’s doing so can you

Friday, 3 January 2014

catzzz appreciation post!

Yall have seen my cat Winnie, ryt? Yah, she was prego a few months ago before she was going to be neutered (we were just talkin about it when she entered the scene and my dad went "... wait a second."). My neighbor's ex alley cat is the pop. I wouldn't go into the details on the pregnancy and birth stuff but if you're interested you shud study animal biology. I have to give all of them since the smell is too icky and my mum's allergy came back (she was okay with one but five nOPE)

My sister got to name the oldest two, Miiko (pic4) and Merida (pic2). The real Miiko was a manga character and shes the oldest supreme of the felinehood. My sister insists on keeping her because she is such a beauty. Merida well oFCOURSE THE QUEENEST OF THE QUEEN? Natasha and Clint's lovechild???

Anyway, so I got to name the last two, all dudez. Should've let my sister handle the nameshizz because I named them Doge (pic8) and Legolas (pic12). My sister cried "YOU CAN'T NAME A CAT DOGE!!!!!" But then she let it be. Doge has this stupid face all the time like hes saying very food. such fancy. wow. iz delic. Legolas is the youngest but he's so fab and jumps around excitedly. THEYRE TAKING THE FELINES TO ISENGAAAAARDDDD

Pardon my fangirling. I gotta go finish my Empty Hearse review (!!!!) and watch after Merida and Legolas practice shooting stray dogs. I'm so proud of my bbys archery skillz.

Wednesday, 1 January 2014

firecrackers are cool, but crying is okay too i guess.

i really love this rookiemag pic also the story behind it. actually one of the few that made me stop and just look at the picture. 

Recently I've stumbled upon a blog that I used to stalk intensely. Much creep, I know. I think I stopped stalking it because it hadn't been active for quite a long time, and I was surprised to found it back in business. The writer said in one of the posts that she would try to write everyday, and I guess she did. The posts were not like very well-written film critique or deep shtuff on life. It was just simple things in her life she decided to put in words, I think. That's kinda beautiful.

That made me realize that I just need to write simple things on my mind and put aside drafts that has been there since forever because my lack of vocab smartassness, or people wouldn't be interested in it. I've got nothing to lose since not many people read this anyway so yeah whatever

And I don't really know this guy or anything, but I'm not really sure if I should share the link or not, since it doesn't have many viewers and probably she would like it to stay that way. 

Anyhoo, it's 2014 now. I wish people would stop pretend that they know what's going to happen within the next 365 days, with all the resolutions and wishes and stuff. It makes me feel like diving deeper into the ocean without knowing what kind of monster we have to face. The future scares me, and thinking about things that I have to achieve would end up with me creating the worst scenarios in my mind, and I could already feel myself failing those wonderful goals I've set in the future. 

Sometimes it's better to pretend like nothing has changed and go through life as usual. But I will try to write everyday. So when we're coming to another end (ROLLING EYES), I could see how far we've come and get all nostalgic about it. I like nostalgia, because sometimes the present and the future are too hard to cope, and looking back reminds me how I was when I first started. And then some shit went down. Shit turned out to be ultrashit. But it also brought me good things. Both of them had changed my life in some ways. The shit passed, and some good things stayed. Some ended, because that's just how it's supposed to be. I lost my nice middle school life to a shitty high school rollercoaster ride. I couldn't see my best friend everyday, the only thing that kept me going. I cried about it a little. Maybe a lot. Both ways, it's okay. 

Those ultrashits I've been through was hard. But I'm still here. And I guess sticking around makes me great and hardcore. If I could make it all the way through the shitships, I can make it through another day. Another year. Life. Anything. Maybe you could, too. Happy new year.



(also follow my insta: @diniada yES IT'S KINDA TOO LATE TO GET IN THE HYPE DONT JUDGE)

Monday, 30 December 2013

talking about my feels and new year.

this are selfies of me not making a point in everything

Lately I've been having this weird feeling that something/everything is wrong. 

Every waking hour, this feels nibble into my skin and fill me with anxieties. And I still can't decide whether it's only in my head or it's a real deal. I don't even know what are they.

Cliche phrase, but time passes. Suddenly it's only 7 days away to school and I just I don't want all the school feelz. Loneliness, anxieties, and sleepless nights in bed regretting all the things I've done for the day and my awkwardness that makes people go away. I thought they would all go away once xmas break starts but I don't even know anymore. 

Sometimes I just want to cry or disappear. But most of the time I fight my feelings so hard it results in me not feeling anything. I become a freakish robot, all I do is sleep, wake up for food and reread some books until noon, go on Tumblr, or watch TV. 

To make it worse, only I could sense that something is wrong, while everyone seem to live peacefully, nothing bothers them as they laugh through life like ordinary people do. Which makes me hate people even more because they can't see what is wrong. Everything patronize me and even if I tell people about this they wouldn't understand how it feels like. It's like having a parasite hanging around on your back and only you can see them and you can't tell people because tHEY WOULD FREAK OUT.

I remember what life was like, before I faced The Great Perhaps, before the 2 months long well-deserved break ended and I lost all I've had. I used to have friends that I could easily see everyday, and we had the same amount of homeworks so it wasn't a reason not to hang out together. Everything was only within a five minutes walk distance. People still cared. No dramas. I didn't have to put myself out, feeling vulnerable and exposed, introducing myself and telling them things about me because my friends were like my friends and tell them something they don't know about me??????

Now everything is so perfect. My teachers are qualified, teaching like they supposed to. All my peers with their perfect lives far beyond worry and anxiety's reach, like the one I used to live back then. They seem so happy all the time, out of reach, and clearly I don't belong with them. I'm always alone in class and sometimes I would feel disconnected with people who hang out with me. It's not like they hang out with me, I'm just the new kid who tags along and gets ignored.

wow. so blog post. much angst. 

I'm suuuuure there are lots of things that I'm anxious about and I'd go over The Doctor's timeline trying to elaborate all of them. I don't even know why I'm posting this since this is a public space and posting private things would make yall uncomfortable and if someone knows me irl (i hope not) the guy would walk up to me and talk about this post which is gonna make me feel MORE UNCOMFORTABLE. But I just needed to get it out. So there.

I miss blogging, I really do. I have ran out of reasons trying to justify my seasonal blogging habit, but mostly I'm just lazy. Also, when things become more of an obligation I run away bc i'm c0ward. And I get a little sucked in on Tumblr, and the feels of mATT SMITH LEAVING DOCTOR WHOOOO and sherlock series 3 ONLY 3 DAYS AWAY???? But even if theres no fandom excitement I would still be procrastinating, wouldn't I?

New Year is only less than 30 hours away (at least here in the equator). I've only had NYE 15 times but I am already bored. Resolutions are utter bullshits because almost all new years resolutions are broken within a month NONE OF YOU TAKES IT SERIOUSLY ADMIT IT. Why are people getting excited over a calendar upgrade? Ordinary people gets easily excited ugh--and my feels are taking over again. Maybe it's more of the fact that I am spending mine in my great aunt's house and I can't be like fireworks party and movie marathon with my pretentious clique or anything fun and cliche. I don't have a clique. And I can't meet my only best friend since she's on the other side of the world right now. 

I don't believe a new year could change people. If I wake up tired and sad on the 31st, I would still do in 1st January because nothing would change so easily within 24 hours. I wish people could stop romanticizing new years and making cheap romcoms about it. But then I saw these Tumblr posts across my dash.

2013 was my character development year which means 2014 is strictly action and story progression and i dont know about you but i’m excited

These feels are turning me into a cliche cynical teenager--not that I haven't been a cynic before. And it's pretty dumb if I start to believe that things could change after reading two three-liner Tumblr posts. But that's the power of Strangers on the Internet! And, as our dead old President Snow once said, hope is stronger than fear. One can only hope that things will get better. And probably I could end 2014 not being dead.

yeah my mood can change like that drastically in a single post it's making my post weirdly inconsistent. and actually i'm just looking for a moral support but saying it that way just sounds very vain. and since i'm not going here very often u could look me up in facebook: Dini Adanurani or in LINE: diniada. thank u for reading this bless yall happy christmas and new year u luvly internet peeple u