one of those mundane people who is excited about life.

it's supposed to be The Crane Wife 3 sorry

I've gotten lots of positive, inspiring vibez this week. But it feels weird to stand in this position after a few months wrapped up in sudden bursts of emotions coming out of nowhere. Sometimes it feels like being alone in my room and someone suddenly turned the light off. I wanted to get up and switch it back on, but at the same time I don't care about the lights, living in the dark sounds plausible anyway. All that was left to do was grab a blanket and curl up in fetal position.

If past-me had read this post two months ago, she would only sulk and rolled her eyes at 'mundane people who gets excited on Life' (copied straight from my journal). Which pretty much explains all.

Yes anywaay, things that radiates much nice vibes this week:

1. I printed Arabelle's Survival zine (see the last three pic above) in a print shop after school. It's very precious and I almost cried reading it. Staying alive seems like a piece of cake for most people, but on some people it might be a milestone. And using your power not only for lifting yourself, but also other people who's going through the same thing is amazing (Arabelle also has a Survival tag for her tumblr posts, and I would totally recommend it if you're feeling down, or just looking for nice things).

2. I have a guy friend a.k.a. a  slightly antisocial platonic friend with XY chromosomes. I think it's safe to say so since we've already been chatting all day via Line and he's giving me life advices. He was my friend's friend and he's in the same major with me, Social (all my friends are from the Science major hahaa suxx). I totally resonate with him, as I was complaining about my friends ignoring me and he said that he went through the same thing. No one wants to sit with him in class, even the dudes. I've always thought that guys are more socially chill than girls, they always seem to get along easily. Wisdom words of the eternity: "Just chill. When they found out who you really are, they would notice. Show them that you're not what they think you are." Boys are like aliens to me, as I don't have many close male siblings / cousin, and I'm totally shy around them. Sometimes I'm too busy being my observant self, trying to figure out how they work, and the other times I'm already infuatuated once they act nice towards me. How very embarassing. So yes, I'm very proud of this achievement YAY ME.

3. It's raining all the time in Jakarta. Which could be a yay or a nay, depending on where you live, because my city is prone to floods. I spent the weekend watching the local news, and it was horrible. Although the flood last year was bigger and the main road was drowned, I think this one lasted a little longer. I live in a rather high part in the middle of the city so all is well, but a market road area near me drowned . NO there is nothing positive nor inspiring about the flood, but the thing is, I've always loved rain, I love walking home from school and feeling raindrops drizzling all over my hair and clothes. I love being cold, I complain a lot about living in a tropical country. I love having to wear jackets and sweater without sweating or dying of heatstroke. The sound of water clinking against the tiles on the roof sounds like a serenade to me. And because of the flood, this week I've only had three days of school. These things make me happy, but it's hard loving the weather without sounding like an asshole u feel me

4. I've (illegally) (oops) downloaded a random bunch of songs and album that I can think of, and compiled a nice playlist of songs that make me feel things. Have you ever want to cry bC MUSIC IS SO POWERFUL IT AFFECTS YOUR FEELINGS DEEPLY AND HOW A CERTAIN SONG COULD KICK YOU OUT OF BED AND FACE THE DAY BC MUSIC??? My heart still has plenty of spaces to love more music, so tell me some stuffs you would want me to cry over. See above for my most played, also Pure Heroine is perfection. Now I see my life as scenes from a coming-of-age movie with Lorde's songs as the soundtracks. All hail Lorde. Hallelujah.

5. All things end. High school, my negativity/depression/sadness/whatever it is isn't going to last forever. This moment of revelation kicked my face out of the sudden one day. I think it's always been there but I've always waved it off. I always try to appreciate things, but I end up getting too attached or taking it like it's going to be that way forever. That is why our lives as a teenager are sad, beautiful, tragic, wonderful, and other things rolled into one breathtaking rollercoaster ride. Those feelings had been there, and would always be there in our lives, but as teenagers sees everything like they are set in stone, the feels are way more intense. Dismissing all of the feelings and drift away into the void of non existentialism would totally not help, although taking it that way is easier than standing up and facing life. My best friend Vira used to wear a yin-yang necklace around her neck until the string broke and she gave up on fixing it, and it's now hanging in front of a mirror in her room. The perfect balance between gripping tight and freefalling is impossible to reach, but I will try. Or I probably experienced the epiphany out of milk tea drunkeness (if that's even a thing), and when I wake up I would get a hangover and forget the whole thing. We are young, right?

(Wait I've just figured out December's Rookie theme now???? I mean yeah the theme had hit home and I really loved it, but I don't really understand what it is until now. That was hella deep, seriously, props for the queening Rookie staffs for such wonderful theme.)

6. Regarding point #5, I decided I want to see more of this world beyond the jaded city I've lived in my whole life minus three years. I would like to join an exchange program. I'm going to continue this point in the next post because it's getting too long guys sorry I didn't mean to pull a Reichenbach.

(is that a thing? i'm going to dedicate my whole life to make it a thing until Rachel McAdams flies across the world to see me and tell me to stop trying to make Reichenbach happen.)

Anyhoo if you identify as a part of the crazy Sherlock fandom, you might like this crackfic, Flowers in a Box. It's been there since the very first Sherlock hiatus, and it may start like a bad fic with excessive crack, but it all makes sense in the end. Yes, it will troll you mad, and you will also laugh about this thing for ten hours. There's some tiny references to Doctor Who, Supernatural, and Hitchhiker's Guide to Galaxy. Dun dun dun. Seems like Fanfiction.net took it down, probably out of too much negative feedback (why though it's a genius piece of work can't you uncultured swines understand jokes), but you could still read it from a post on Interplosion, where a guy is doing Fan Fiction Fuckpile which is basically adding your comments along the way while you're reading a 'bad' fanfiction. The commentary is another form of entertainment, and it's somewhat funnier than the actual fanfiction.

Talking about Sherlock, I need to finish that series 3 review. I have a lot of thoughts on that matter, which makes it harder--as they say, my thoughts are avocados I can't fathom into guacamole. I really should stop reading fics and read actual books instead. Maybe you could be a sweetie drop a few recommendations, I have a lot to work on! It's going to be hard, judging from the state of my wallet.

Tomorrow is school again, and this is weird but I'm feeling excited for all the possibilities that could happen. They are endless. I kind of hope tomorrow sch0ol would be cancelled again, though. deep facepalm okay time to sleep 

i don't know if this makes sense but

I was just catching up with Rookie a few days ago (YES YES YES LORDEEE IKR) and stumbled upon the Editor's Letter and the month's theme, Vision. I was obsessed with the last month's theme, Forever, I could totally relate to it. I'm basically a scrapbooking gran who wants to keep everything, every feeling that could ever exist in a moment. The feeling that this moment would never end. The shades of his dark eyes--more like how a wet ground looked after the rain instead of Voldemort-dark. The place that smelled like home. I would stick it all on a page of The Book of My Life and leave it for the Future Me to bawl all over. I love nostalgia, as if I hadn't said it enough.

Anyway, yes, vision. Compared to the sound of 'forever', 'vision' sounds adulty and normal. It's sounds like a word a middle-aged man in suit and tie uses a lot to convince his clients to put their money in his project. And I had to read the article a couple of times to really understand it (I have the lack of ability to translate written words into something that MEANS SOMETHING in my brain, the point of the whole thing that rings the bell in your head and then life makes sense). Basically Vision is about knowing what you want and work to accomplish those things. What a theme for January, we're all growing up and it sounds adulty alright.

Fifteen years old seems like a very late age for teen angst and a rebellion phase, but I don't feel like growing up. I don't want to have responsibilities or do my homeworks. When my mum reminds me of school that would happen the next day, I made some sort of a weird noise and muffled crying. I'm naturally good at school and my grades are somewhat above average but I want to stop caring about it. I have the constant urge of yelling at people to stop telling me what to do because I'm trying to figure it out by myself, but at the same time I am so fucking clueless and I don't know shit about the world and who I am. Living wears me out.

Thinking about the FUTURE makes me feel sick. It's something so near and unknown, like one of those movies where a gang of people are locked inside a house in the middle of the storm together and they get killed one by one, nothing scares me more than that.

Vision means I would have to make my goals. I have goals, lots of them. To be a writer, or a journalist, or travel the world are one of them. But I can feel myself failing slowly at each and every one of my goals because I'm just not good enough. When I go online and read other's work, instead of feeling inspired I get intimidated because of their skills, the colors that blend perfectly in their canvas, or the words delicately crafted they would either hit me hard or linger in my head for a very long time because I don't get it but I just know they are beautiful.

I just want to savor the moment and live a life filled with teenage recklessness. I want to do things based on my gut feelings only and not think of the things I would have to do tomorrow. I want to feel invincible and big, so big that the future would not scare me anymore.

Oh, who am I kidding.

But in the meantime, my new big motivation:

listen Harry Potter didn’t know what the fuck he was doing throughout the entire series and he still did all that shit so if he can do great things by without really knowing what he’s doing so can you

firecrackers are cool, but crying is okay too i guess.

i really love this rookiemag pic also the story behind it. actually one of the few that made me stop and just look at the picture. 

Recently I've stumbled upon a blog that I used to stalk intensely. Much creep, I know. I think I stopped stalking it because it hadn't been active for quite a long time, and I was surprised to found it back in business. The writer said in one of the posts that she would try to write everyday, and I guess she did. The posts were not like very well-written film critique or deep shtuff on life. It was just simple things in her life she decided to put in words, I think. That's kinda beautiful.

That made me realize that I just need to write simple things on my mind and put aside drafts that has been there since forever because my lack of vocab smartassness, or people wouldn't be interested in it. I've got nothing to lose since not many people read this anyway so yeah whatever

And I don't really know this guy or anything, but I'm not really sure if I should share the link or not, since it doesn't have many viewers and probably she would like it to stay that way. 

Anyhoo, it's 2014 now. I wish people would stop pretend that they know what's going to happen within the next 365 days, with all the resolutions and wishes and stuff. It makes me feel like diving deeper into the ocean without knowing what kind of monster we have to face. The future scares me, and thinking about things that I have to achieve would end up with me creating the worst scenarios in my mind, and I could already feel myself failing those wonderful goals I've set in the future. 

Sometimes it's better to pretend like nothing has changed and go through life as usual. But I will try to write everyday. So when we're coming to another end (ROLLING EYES), I could see how far we've come and get all nostalgic about it. I like nostalgia, because sometimes the present and the future are too hard to cope, and looking back reminds me how I was when I first started. And then some shit went down. Shit turned out to be ultrashit. But it also brought me good things. Both of them had changed my life in some ways. The shit passed, and some good things stayed. Some ended, because that's just how it's supposed to be. I lost my nice middle school life to a shitty high school rollercoaster ride. I couldn't see my best friend everyday, the only thing that kept me going. I cried about it a little. Maybe a lot. Both ways, it's okay. 

Those ultrashits I've been through was hard. But I'm still here. And I guess sticking around makes me great and hardcore. If I could make it all the way through the shitships, I can make it through another day. Another year. Life. Anything. Maybe you could, too. Happy new year.

(SHERLOCK IN A FEW HOURS!!!!!!!! IM SO DED OMGOMGOMG)

(also follow my insta: @diniada yES IT'S KINDA TOO LATE TO GET IN THE HYPE DONT JUDGE)

talking about my feels and new year.

this are selfies of me not making a point in everything

Lately I've been having this weird feeling that something/everything is wrong. 

Every waking hour, this feels nibble into my skin and fill me with anxieties. And I still can't decide whether it's only in my head or it's a real deal. I don't even know what are they.

Cliche phrase, but time passes. Suddenly it's only 7 days away to school and I just I don't want all the school feelz. Loneliness, anxieties, and sleepless nights in bed regretting all the things I've done for the day and my awkwardness that makes people go away. I thought they would all go away once xmas break starts but I don't even know anymore. 

Sometimes I just want to cry or disappear. But most of the time I fight my feelings so hard it results in me not feeling anything. I become a freakish robot, all I do is sleep, wake up for food and reread some books until noon, go on Tumblr, or watch TV. 

To make it worse, only I could sense that something is wrong, while everyone seem to live peacefully, nothing bothers them as they laugh through life like ordinary people do. Which makes me hate people even more because they can't see what is wrong. Everything patronize me and even if I tell people about this they wouldn't understand how it feels like. It's like having a parasite hanging around on your back and only you can see them and you can't tell people because tHEY WOULD FREAK OUT.

I remember what life was like, before I faced The Great Perhaps, before the 2 months long well-deserved break ended and I lost all I've had. I used to have friends that I could easily see everyday, and we had the same amount of homeworks so it wasn't a reason not to hang out together. Everything was only within a five minutes walk distance. People still cared. No dramas. I didn't have to put myself out, feeling vulnerable and exposed, introducing myself and telling them things about me because my friends were like my friends and tell them something they don't know about me??????

Now everything is so perfect. My teachers are qualified, teaching like they supposed to. All my peers with their perfect lives far beyond worry and anxiety's reach, like the one I used to live back then. They seem so happy all the time, out of reach, and clearly I don't belong with them. I'm always alone in class and sometimes I would feel disconnected with people who hang out with me. It's not like they hang out with me, I'm just the new kid who tags along and gets ignored.

wow. so blog post. much angst. 

I'm suuuuure there are lots of things that I'm anxious about and I'd go over The Doctor's timeline trying to elaborate all of them. I don't even know why I'm posting this since this is a public space and posting private things would make yall uncomfortable and if someone knows me irl (i hope not) the guy would walk up to me and talk about this post which is gonna make me feel MORE UNCOMFORTABLE. But I just needed to get it out. So there.

I miss blogging, I really do. I have ran out of reasons trying to justify my seasonal blogging habit, but mostly I'm just lazy. Also, when things become more of an obligation I run away bc i'm c0ward. And I get a little sucked in on Tumblr, and the feels of mATT SMITH LEAVING DOCTOR WHOOOO and sherlock series 3 ONLY 3 DAYS AWAY???? But even if theres no fandom excitement I would still be procrastinating, wouldn't I?

New Year is only less than 30 hours away (at least here in the equator). I've only had NYE 15 times but I am already bored. Resolutions are utter bullshits because almost all new years resolutions are broken within a month NONE OF YOU TAKES IT SERIOUSLY ADMIT IT. Why are people getting excited over a calendar upgrade? Ordinary people gets easily excited ugh--and my feels are taking over again. Maybe it's more of the fact that I am spending mine in my great aunt's house and I can't be like fireworks party and movie marathon with my pretentious clique or anything fun and cliche. I don't have a clique. And I can't meet my only best friend since she's on the other side of the world right now. 

I don't believe a new year could change people. If I wake up tired and sad on the 31st, I would still do in 1st January because nothing would change so easily within 24 hours. I wish people could stop romanticizing new years and making cheap romcoms about it. But then I saw these Tumblr posts across my dash.

2013 was my character development year which means 2014 is strictly action and story progression and i dont know about you but i’m excited

2012 was the year of trying actively not to kill myself  

2013 was the year of survival  

2014 will be the year of move bitch get out the way i L I V E 

These feels are turning me into a cliche cynical teenager--not that I haven't been a cynic before. And it's pretty dumb if I start to believe that things could change after reading two three-liner Tumblr posts. But that's the power of Strangers on the Internet! And, as our dead old President Snow once said, hope is stronger than fear. One can only hope that things will get better. And probably I could end 2014 not being dead.

yeah my mood can change like that drastically in a single post it's making my post weirdly inconsistent. and actually i'm just looking for a moral support but saying it that way just sounds very vain. and since i'm not going here very often u could look me up in facebook: Dini Adanurani or in LINE: diniada. thank u for reading this bless yall happy christmas and new year u luvly internet peeple u

I go to seek The Great Perhaps.

"When adults say 'teenagers think they are invincible,' with that sly, stupid smile on their faces, they don't know how right they are. We need never to be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken. We think that we are invincible because we are. We cannot be born and we cannot die. Like all energy, we can only change shapes and sizes and manifestations. They forget that when they grow old. They get scared of losing and failing. But that part of us greater than the sum of our parts cannot begin and cannot end, and so it cannot fail."

-John Green, Looking for Alaska a.k.a. THE BOOK THAT MADE ME RETHINK MY WHOLE LIFE

BOOK SELFY IZ ALWAYS APPROPRO

idk I don't feel like adding dramatic gifs because those were not how I feel when I finished the book. I felt weird. Emotional, but not the post-The Fault in Our Stars emotional. Instead of breakdownfest I put down the book and quietly lie in my bed, staring at the ceiling. 

I totally feel Pudge at first when he was alone and ordinary, he wanted his life to MEAN SOMETHING, to figure out what The Great Perhaps really is. And yep he made the right decision, he met these great, impossibly-intelligent-typical John-Green-character-friends and had all these adventures with underaged drinking and cigarettes, sneaking out, awesomesauce pranks, had fun with his life and he eVEN GOT A GIRLFRIEND WOW GOOD JOB PUDGE

We think that we are invincible because we are. We cannot be born and we cannot die. We teenagers matter... RIGHT???? Though I still feel like I don't count. I don't live a typical teenage movie life, I don't have a tribe of friends I hang out with and protect each other and such. All the time while I read the book I thought, would I ever get to live a life like that?  Would I ever mean something to someone, change the world, or would I be just another meaningless dot in this infinitely large painting of the universe?

It has a whole new meaning now since I'm starting a new school and stuff. I have complicated feelings about this and I'm always tired and I kinda need someone to talk to. I won't likely find The Great Perhaps here, but it's a long way to go and there is still hope for, ya know, a meaningful life.

The book is kinda like The Perks of Being a Wallflower, with starting a new school, cigarettes and drinking, and a pretty, quirky, smart girl whom the main character falls in love with. But all Charlie ever wanted was to live a normal, average teenage life while Pudge seek something greater than himself. 

Aaaanyway, happy independence day to Indonesia (indopendence!) we don't get holidays for that and there's not that much nationalism in me but yeah :] we had a ceremony earlier in the morning, it went pretty well. I've always adore the flag-raising squad, with their fancy badges and unison march. There's also the independence day games yesterday, I was in the sack race thingy and I did not won. It wasn't even that hard I'm just so fucking slow ugh

After that I hung out with my best friend today, we went to our middle school and hug the lovely counselor and Maths teacher, and also some of our friends yay. Going back and seeing the people and things from your old life is always nice. old life really its only been four fucking months and ur sayin no honestly it felt like ages

DW update: im starting season 3 now and judging from the season 2 finale and how i woke up in the next morning with swollen eyes im not sure i can finish this series

oh fuck its 3.30 in the morning gotta go bye

i'll be strong, i'll be wrong, oh but life goes on.

Thank God I'm off school. It's starting to wear me out. If you see me now, you can't tell whether I'm doing a zombie cosplay or that I AM the zombie. (Both are true. Kinda.) And I'm rlly excited for Eid holiday and Eid food and Eid money!!!! Although a 10-days break is nothing to brag about compared to summer, but it's still something to celebrate because I'm very tired. And the fact that I still have loads of work to do is ugh.

Middle school and high school seems like a different alternate universe. The teachers, my parents, and people around me suddenly treat me differently. Like I'm older. Well yeah of course, but have you ever felt like you're the only one in this world who stays the same?

Nothing stays, not this world, not even my sister whose mood changes constantly every 5 second. My friends change. Even my condition changes, I've slipped from one life to another as easy as finishing one book then picking up another. A new adventure, as one says. The only thing that doesn't change is my state of mind. I'm not terrified of change, I could just move along, going with the flow or stuff. But still, everything seems weird to me. Like, a second ago I was there, how the fuck did I get here???

Although everyone expects me to act like a high school kid, to me I'll always be that 12 year old staring at everything, continuously fascinated. I'm always excited to do things but I can't do them the right way. I mess things up and then cry. And I overthink stuff all the time. So much to do, so little time! In 2 years I'd have to choose my college destination. I want to go on a student exchange program. Oh and, the group presentation is next week. Would I fuck shit up this time?

The future scares me. I don't want to have an ordinary life, going to college, graduate, work at a boring-ass office, marry a maybe even more boring guy, and have some kids. I want things to be different, I want to have something to remember, I want people to smile when they read the story of my life. But idk how and I'm really afraid of going to the wrong directions becoz there's no going back this time.

and i have no idea why the sky is there maybe im just feelin very sappy stuff idk


Basically, THIS. She speaks to me on a deep spiritual level, deeper than I have spoken to you above so click her. (Her vlogging style is just like John Green's but the fact that she's a 15 year old fangurl makes her much more relatable. If you're also a fangirl, then check THIS because adflskjfljk!!!)



Throwing out one of Taylor Swift's early shtuff just because.

Enjoy ur weekend or summer or random break or whatever :]
*rides unicorn to the sunset*

.

I think there is no such thing as 'being yourself'. Even those self-proclaimed mature responsible adults don't know themselves THAT well. Because people change. And life is about exploring who you are. You could listen to any music, wear any clothes, hang out, or stay home as much or less as you want. As long as you feel comfortable and you know your limits,  it's totally fine. Because you don't want to waste your time hanging out in a strange bar with people you don't even like when you could do something you want to do, like watching cat videos or making collage.

And then, think before you act. I know it's impossible. No one in this world actually think before doing stuffs, they just do. And I am that person who gives advice that I can't do. But sometimes you really should stop and think about how the next think you'll do would impact your future.

And we mess up. I do it all the time, probably too much for an average person rate of fucking things up. But basically it's what human lives for. We fall, we get back up. We lose our leaves, we grow another.

(I don't know what's gotten into me writing such a blog post! I could be really melancholic and thoughtful and boring sometimes but never that deep. Anywaaayy tomorrow is Easter Day = extra school-less day = sleeping in = my heart bursting out with happiness)