i don't know if this makes sense but

I was just catching up with Rookie a few days ago (YES YES YES LORDEEE IKR) and stumbled upon the Editor's Letter and the month's theme, Vision. I was obsessed with the last month's theme, Forever, I could totally relate to it. I'm basically a scrapbooking gran who wants to keep everything, every feeling that could ever exist in a moment. The feeling that this moment would never end. The shades of his dark eyes--more like how a wet ground looked after the rain instead of Voldemort-dark. The place that smelled like home. I would stick it all on a page of The Book of My Life and leave it for the Future Me to bawl all over. I love nostalgia, as if I hadn't said it enough.

Anyway, yes, vision. Compared to the sound of 'forever', 'vision' sounds adulty and normal. It's sounds like a word a middle-aged man in suit and tie uses a lot to convince his clients to put their money in his project. And I had to read the article a couple of times to really understand it (I have the lack of ability to translate written words into something that MEANS SOMETHING in my brain, the point of the whole thing that rings the bell in your head and then life makes sense). Basically Vision is about knowing what you want and work to accomplish those things. What a theme for January, we're all growing up and it sounds adulty alright.

Fifteen years old seems like a very late age for teen angst and a rebellion phase, but I don't feel like growing up. I don't want to have responsibilities or do my homeworks. When my mum reminds me of school that would happen the next day, I made some sort of a weird noise and muffled crying. I'm naturally good at school and my grades are somewhat above average but I want to stop caring about it. I have the constant urge of yelling at people to stop telling me what to do because I'm trying to figure it out by myself, but at the same time I am so fucking clueless and I don't know shit about the world and who I am. Living wears me out.

Thinking about the FUTURE makes me feel sick. It's something so near and unknown, like one of those movies where a gang of people are locked inside a house in the middle of the storm together and they get killed one by one, nothing scares me more than that.

Vision means I would have to make my goals. I have goals, lots of them. To be a writer, or a journalist, or travel the world are one of them. But I can feel myself failing slowly at each and every one of my goals because I'm just not good enough. When I go online and read other's work, instead of feeling inspired I get intimidated because of their skills, the colors that blend perfectly in their canvas, or the words delicately crafted they would either hit me hard or linger in my head for a very long time because I don't get it but I just know they are beautiful.

I just want to savor the moment and live a life filled with teenage recklessness. I want to do things based on my gut feelings only and not think of the things I would have to do tomorrow. I want to feel invincible and big, so big that the future would not scare me anymore.

Oh, who am I kidding.

But in the meantime, my new big motivation:

listen Harry Potter didn’t know what the fuck he was doing throughout the entire series and he still did all that shit so if he can do great things by without really knowing what he’s doing so can you

talking about my feels and new year.

this are selfies of me not making a point in everything

Lately I've been having this weird feeling that something/everything is wrong. 

Every waking hour, this feels nibble into my skin and fill me with anxieties. And I still can't decide whether it's only in my head or it's a real deal. I don't even know what are they.

Cliche phrase, but time passes. Suddenly it's only 7 days away to school and I just I don't want all the school feelz. Loneliness, anxieties, and sleepless nights in bed regretting all the things I've done for the day and my awkwardness that makes people go away. I thought they would all go away once xmas break starts but I don't even know anymore. 

Sometimes I just want to cry or disappear. But most of the time I fight my feelings so hard it results in me not feeling anything. I become a freakish robot, all I do is sleep, wake up for food and reread some books until noon, go on Tumblr, or watch TV. 

To make it worse, only I could sense that something is wrong, while everyone seem to live peacefully, nothing bothers them as they laugh through life like ordinary people do. Which makes me hate people even more because they can't see what is wrong. Everything patronize me and even if I tell people about this they wouldn't understand how it feels like. It's like having a parasite hanging around on your back and only you can see them and you can't tell people because tHEY WOULD FREAK OUT.

I remember what life was like, before I faced The Great Perhaps, before the 2 months long well-deserved break ended and I lost all I've had. I used to have friends that I could easily see everyday, and we had the same amount of homeworks so it wasn't a reason not to hang out together. Everything was only within a five minutes walk distance. People still cared. No dramas. I didn't have to put myself out, feeling vulnerable and exposed, introducing myself and telling them things about me because my friends were like my friends and tell them something they don't know about me??????

Now everything is so perfect. My teachers are qualified, teaching like they supposed to. All my peers with their perfect lives far beyond worry and anxiety's reach, like the one I used to live back then. They seem so happy all the time, out of reach, and clearly I don't belong with them. I'm always alone in class and sometimes I would feel disconnected with people who hang out with me. It's not like they hang out with me, I'm just the new kid who tags along and gets ignored.

wow. so blog post. much angst. 

I'm suuuuure there are lots of things that I'm anxious about and I'd go over The Doctor's timeline trying to elaborate all of them. I don't even know why I'm posting this since this is a public space and posting private things would make yall uncomfortable and if someone knows me irl (i hope not) the guy would walk up to me and talk about this post which is gonna make me feel MORE UNCOMFORTABLE. But I just needed to get it out. So there.

I miss blogging, I really do. I have ran out of reasons trying to justify my seasonal blogging habit, but mostly I'm just lazy. Also, when things become more of an obligation I run away bc i'm c0ward. And I get a little sucked in on Tumblr, and the feels of mATT SMITH LEAVING DOCTOR WHOOOO and sherlock series 3 ONLY 3 DAYS AWAY???? But even if theres no fandom excitement I would still be procrastinating, wouldn't I?

New Year is only less than 30 hours away (at least here in the equator). I've only had NYE 15 times but I am already bored. Resolutions are utter bullshits because almost all new years resolutions are broken within a month NONE OF YOU TAKES IT SERIOUSLY ADMIT IT. Why are people getting excited over a calendar upgrade? Ordinary people gets easily excited ugh--and my feels are taking over again. Maybe it's more of the fact that I am spending mine in my great aunt's house and I can't be like fireworks party and movie marathon with my pretentious clique or anything fun and cliche. I don't have a clique. And I can't meet my only best friend since she's on the other side of the world right now. 

I don't believe a new year could change people. If I wake up tired and sad on the 31st, I would still do in 1st January because nothing would change so easily within 24 hours. I wish people could stop romanticizing new years and making cheap romcoms about it. But then I saw these Tumblr posts across my dash.

2013 was my character development year which means 2014 is strictly action and story progression and i dont know about you but i’m excited

2012 was the year of trying actively not to kill myself  

2013 was the year of survival  

2014 will be the year of move bitch get out the way i L I V E 

These feels are turning me into a cliche cynical teenager--not that I haven't been a cynic before. And it's pretty dumb if I start to believe that things could change after reading two three-liner Tumblr posts. But that's the power of Strangers on the Internet! And, as our dead old President Snow once said, hope is stronger than fear. One can only hope that things will get better. And probably I could end 2014 not being dead.

yeah my mood can change like that drastically in a single post it's making my post weirdly inconsistent. and actually i'm just looking for a moral support but saying it that way just sounds very vain. and since i'm not going here very often u could look me up in facebook: Dini Adanurani or in LINE: diniada. thank u for reading this bless yall happy christmas and new year u luvly internet peeple u