 |
| this are selfies of me not making a point in everything |
Every waking hour, this feels nibble into my skin and fill me with anxieties. And I still can't decide whether it's only in my head or it's a real deal. I don't even know what are they.
wow. so blog post. much angst.
yeah my mood can change like that drastically in a single post it's making my post weirdly inconsistent. and actually i'm just looking for a moral support but saying it that way just sounds very vain. and since i'm not going here very often u could look me up in facebook: Dini Adanurani or in LINE: diniada. thank u for reading this bless yall happy christmas and new year u luvly internet peeple u
Cliche phrase, but time passes. Suddenly it's only 7 days away to school and I just I don't want all the school feelz. Loneliness, anxieties, and sleepless nights in bed regretting all the things I've done for the day and my awkwardness that makes people go away. I thought they would all go away once xmas break starts but I don't even know anymore.
Sometimes I just want to cry or disappear. But most of the time I fight my feelings so hard it results in me not feeling anything. I become a freakish robot, all I do is sleep, wake up for food and reread some books until noon, go on Tumblr, or watch TV.
To make it worse, only I could sense that something is wrong, while everyone seem to live peacefully, nothing bothers them as they laugh through life like ordinary people do. Which makes me hate people even more because they can't see what is wrong. Everything patronize me and even if I tell people about this they wouldn't understand how it feels like. It's like having a parasite hanging around on your back and only you can see them and you can't tell people because tHEY WOULD FREAK OUT.
I remember what life was like, before I faced The Great Perhaps, before the 2 months long well-deserved break ended and I lost all I've had. I used to have friends that I could easily see everyday, and we had the same amount of homeworks so it wasn't a reason not to hang out together. Everything was only within a five minutes walk distance. People still cared. No dramas. I didn't have to put myself out, feeling vulnerable and exposed, introducing myself and telling them things about me because my friends were like my friends and tell them something they don't know about me??????
Now everything is so perfect. My teachers are qualified, teaching like they supposed to. All my peers with their perfect lives far beyond worry and anxiety's reach, like the one I used to live back then. They seem so happy all the time, out of reach, and clearly I don't belong with them. I'm always alone in class and sometimes I would feel disconnected with people who hang out with me. It's not like they hang out with me, I'm just the new kid who tags along and gets ignored.
I'm suuuuure there are lots of things that I'm anxious about and I'd go over The Doctor's timeline trying to elaborate all of them. I don't even know why I'm posting this since this is a public space and posting private things would make yall uncomfortable and if someone knows me irl (i hope not) the guy would walk up to me and talk about this post which is gonna make me feel MORE UNCOMFORTABLE. But I just needed to get it out. So there.
I miss blogging, I really do. I have ran out of reasons trying to justify my seasonal blogging habit, but mostly I'm just lazy. Also, when things become more of an obligation I run away bc i'm c0ward. And I get a little sucked in on Tumblr, and the feels of mATT SMITH LEAVING DOCTOR WHOOOO and sherlock series 3 ONLY 3 DAYS AWAY???? But even if theres no fandom excitement I would still be procrastinating, wouldn't I?
New Year is only less than 30 hours away (at least here in the equator). I've only had NYE 15 times but I am already bored. Resolutions are utter bullshits because almost all new years resolutions are broken within a month NONE OF YOU TAKES IT SERIOUSLY ADMIT IT. Why are people getting excited over a calendar upgrade? Ordinary people gets easily excited ugh--and my feels are taking over again. Maybe it's more of the fact that I am spending mine in my great aunt's house and I can't be like fireworks party and movie marathon with my pretentious clique or anything fun and cliche. I don't have a clique. And I can't meet my only best friend since she's on the other side of the world right now.
I don't believe a new year could change people. If I wake up tired and sad on the 31st, I would still do in 1st January because nothing would change so easily within 24 hours. I wish people could stop romanticizing new years and making cheap romcoms about it. But then I saw these Tumblr posts across my dash.
2013 was my character development year which means 2014 is strictly action and story progression and i dont know about you but i’m excited
2012 was the year of trying actively not to kill myself
2013 was the year of survival
2014 will be the year of move bitch get out the way i L I V E
These feels are turning me into a cliche cynical teenager--not that I haven't been a cynic before. And it's pretty dumb if I start to believe that things could change after reading two three-liner Tumblr posts. But that's the power of Strangers on the Internet! And, as our dead old President Snow once said, hope is stronger than fear. One can only hope that things will get better. And probably I could end 2014 not being dead.
